May 10, 2008

Mr. Cool's Those Aren't My Pants: Randomness


1) Have you ever watched a guy chew through a seat belt? It is an interesting experience, but I suppose after a few hours in a restraint chair (it’s as fun as it sounds) I would want to chew through something too. That particular inmate thought it was a good time, but he did ask to see the dentist later.

2) Should we invade Iran? No, not a good idea. But, if you want to get them where it hurts – stop buying caviar. Directly after oil, Iran’s second largest export is Beluga Caviar! Talk about a great way to show one’s patriotism: upper crust liberals, blue bloods, and big-business conservatives can all join together in the GWOT (global war on terror)! But you can still eat the toast points, that’s as American as white bread…

3) The American Criminal Justice system should work faster. I know this isn’t a new idea, or one that is particularly ground breaking – but let me give you a prime example. I was supposed to go to Court on Monday (May 12th) to testify in an “Introduction of Contraband – Weapon – into a Secured Facility” case. This case was continued, for the fourth time! The original act was committed in November of 2006 and was witnessed by two sworn officers, so one wonders why the swift justice of the Criminal Justice system is failing me now. (In case you’re wondering why I care so much – the defendant broke a razor apart and fashion a slashing type weapon using a pencil and dental floss. This was of course only weeks after he threatened to kill me. The threats don’t really bother me, as they are more of a daily thing but I would like this guy off the streets.) But seriously, it only takes CSI and Law and Order an hour to convict a guy and send him off to the pokey!

4) If I could live in a catalog, which would it be? Between the lovely wife and me, we get a lot of catalogs – ranging from bison down yarn to Russian military surplus ammunition to an abundance of clothing retailers. If I could choose only one to live in, it would definitely be L.L. Bean. First off, I would still get to do many of the activities I enjoy (walking, swimming, hiking, kayaking, standing by fences, stacking wood, lighting fires, and staring off into scenery) with plenty of other beautiful people to enjoy them with. Secondly, I would be extremely prepared for all seasonal weather – Gore-Tex for winter, breathable fabrics for summer, and everything else in between. Lastly, I would never have to do any laundry – think about it. If you had each different kind of shirt, in every available color and pattern, I could have a clean shirt everyday for approximately 7 years.


Matty said...

I will take these in order:

1. This is exactly why I never wear seat belts...I just don't want to be put in this situation.

2. It's best to very cautious invading a country that has already proved their willingness to send in children ahead of their soldiers to absorb bullets and detonate landmines (particularly when their current president was an officer in that particular activity).

3. Of course the wheels of justice move much quicker when they are trying to take away your driver's license.

4. I would take Cabelas and Sarah votes for REI; both for many of the same reasons you outlined.

Amanda said...

If I were going to live in a catalog, I'd probably pick Bas Blu, all full of artsy/literary chick stuff. Tons of books and book-themed t-shirts!