October 24, 2008

TAMP: Mr. Cool's America

The following occurred between the hours of 0600 and 1700 (which is 5pm for those who haven’t mastered the whole subtracting 12 from another two-digit number). The activities prove that (A) I am more American than apple pie and (B) I am less American and Captain America himself.

1) I cleaned a gun while watching the definitive liberal political drama series (West Wing).
2) I saw a celebrity: Tony Scheffler (TE for the Denver Football Broncos), then I saw an even bigger celebrity – Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes Fame. One is obviously better than the other, but they’re both GRRREAT!!!
3) I ate a hot dog for lunch. A Nathan’s dog as big as a small child’s leg (Sam’s Club is the cheapest lunch ever - $1.50 for a dog and a soda; and since I have no shame as an American, I stopped my wandering of bulk packaging twice more to partake of the free refills (96oz. of pure bladder bulging bliss)).
4) I wore cowboy boots all day, and yes, that cow poop is authentic.
5) I purchased 700 rounds of pistol ammunition before the sun rose, and will shoot them all by the week’s end.
6) I exercised my 2nd Amendment right of awesomeness (as mentioned above), but also explored my 1st Amendment right by reading a book about concepts I don’t necessarily agree with, by a guy who’s morally opposed to moral absolutes – all without issuing a Fatwah, declaring a jihad, or calling Limbaugh or Franken to complain.
7) I listened to National Public Radio, during a pledge drive no less. I could listen to dulcet tones of Nina Totenberg and Kai Ryssdal read the phonebook.
8) I, like any good American, made purchases on credit, using a flag motif card.
9) I watched PBS. I still don’t know why “America’s Test Kitchen” hasn’t won a day time Emmy – the ricotta cheese from today’s lasagna has more character than Days, Passions, and General Hospital’s combined.
10) I voted early. I voted for my guy, then using Tony the Tiger’s ID, I got back in line and voted again – thanks ACORN!
11) Seriously though, as is my custom, I confused the nice lady trying to record my vote. Only after my successful casting did I learned they were out of “I Voted Today” stickers. Upon hear this disastrous news, I asked the patriotic volunteer straight faced “how will I know not to vote again without my sticker?” She stared back at me blankly, either scared that I was serious or too afraid of my obvious mental instability to flag down the driver of my short yellow bus.

Yes, definitely more American then apple pie, but Captain American stands tall among our fallen Patriots. May he rest in peace…

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